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Remember when we had a jokes thread?

DLD

Posted 9:15 am, 11/27/2023

A few years ago I had a bulge an went to my dr. He examined me an said it was a hernia an that in fact it was on both sides. He schedule me to see a surgeon. Everybody told me he was a good dr an would say a prayer before he did the surgery. Well I had a death in the family after the surgery an I had to walk like Chester of Gunsmoke. Dont let nobody tell you your penis cannot be any bigger then what it is. It was at least twice as big or more but no longer. Anyhow when I went back for a checkup he wanted me to drop my pants so he could look. I warned him that he wasnt going to like what he saw. He said man thats minor that he had saw some a lot bigger than what mine was. I ask him if their was a way he ould take the hurt out an leave the swelling. He said I wasnt the first one who had requested that.That wasnt funny at the time.

i

knslyr

Posted 6:55 pm, 11/23/2023

A police officer is arresting a protestor and talls them, "You have the right to remain silent." The cop is interrupted by the protestor who says, "Oh no, I can't do that!" "Why not?" Says the cop. "Because I'm a vegan!"

Yes, Chef

Posted 2:12 pm, 11/23/2023

How many cooks does it take to change a light bulb?
5 - one to do it and four to tell him how it was done in their last restaurant.

How many servers does it take to change a light bulb?
Umm, no, that's not my job.

Tilly22

Posted 8:22 am, 11/23/2023

An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is long enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like **** they're getting divorced!" She calls their father immediately. "You're not getting divorced! Don't do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper. DO YOU HEAR ME?" She hangs up the phone.

The old man turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they're both coming for Thanksgiving it's up to you to get them here for Christmas."

DLD

Posted 3:43 pm, 11/22/2023

When I was drafted into the army I stayed scared the whole two years because it was during Nam an I knew I would wind up there which I did. But on the way to the induction center their was this black guy from Statesville who ran up an down the aisle of that short bus an the big Black Sgt that was driving that bus couldnt do anything with him. when we got to our destation they took that guy off the bus an I never saw him a gain. Somebody had told him to act that way an he would be sent home.

DLD

Posted 3:32 pm, 11/22/2023

Musa, you got that from Jerry Clower. Jerrry told another funny one. He said an ole boy signed up for the army an then chickened out. So he took his papers an went back to the recruiters office an went in an was telling the recruiter he was ready to go to the middle east an grabs those muslems by the neck with his bare hands an put an end to all the bs going on over there. The recruiter look him in the eye an said "boy you are crazy. The ole boy laid those papers on his desk an said write that down.

BilalibnMusa

Posted 2:03 pm, 11/22/2023

Three bulls are standing around overlooking a field full of cows when they overhear the farmer tell one of the cowhands to get the trailer ready to pick up a new bull.

The old bull snorts and says, "I'm a tellin' ya what, there ain't but fifty cows here that are mine and if'n that new bull thinks he's a gettin' any of my cows, well, he's got another think comin'."

The second bull says, "There ain't but 30 cows here that are mine and that new bull sure ain't get any of my cows."

The young bull says, "There ain't but 10 cows here that even know me, but I sure ain't lettin' that new bull have any of 'em."

A few hours later a tractor trailer arrives and the bulls listen as the air brakes let out a whoosh, then the trailer doors open and and the gate lowers what has to be the biggest, meanest, orneriest looking brahma bull they've ever seen. Great big hump on his back, huge horns, froth dripping from his jowls as he stamps and paws at the ground.

The old bull says, "Ya know, I've been thinkin, it's mighty selfish of me to keep all them cows for myself, I might just part with a few of 'em to be neighborly."

The second bull says, "Ya know, I'm thinkin the same thing, no need for me to keep all thirty of them cows to myself, gets to be a mite tiresome."

The young bull lets out a huge snort and starts stamping and pawin' at the ground, raisin' a huge ruckus.

The old bull says, "Woo boy, what's a matter with you? Don't you know that new bull will kill you?"

The young bull says, "I'm just makin' sure that he knows that I'm a bull

antithesis

Posted 1:36 pm, 11/22/2023

Pavlov was sitting in his living room, reading the newspaper. Someone rang the doorbell... he jumped up and said, "gotta feed the dogs!"

DLD

Posted 9:30 pm, 11/21/2023

This is another true story that mother told me. Way back when people used to catch a ride to town with the mail man for a small fee.This lady had a dog named d*** an when they returned she gave the man a bill an he was feeling for her change when she looke down at her dog scratching an ask whats the matter you got a flea on you d***. The mail man said no maam I was gettin your change.

knslyr

Posted 9:32 am, 11/12/2023

Old biker walks into a bar and notices a sign behind the bar: "Cheese sandwich $5" "**** $25". Just then a gorgeous young thing walks out from the back room and says, "What'll you have Pops?" He asks, "Are you the one giving the ****s?" She gives him a sultry look and says, "Yes I am." He replies, "Well wash your hands and make me a sandwich!"

DLD

Posted 7:11 pm, 11/11/2023

DB, I want to tell you another true story buut sorta funny as well. Somewhere around 2000 my oldest son who was married wanted me an my youngest son to take him to Morganton to catch a ride to Atlanta to some kind of show his company was doing. He designs equipment for this company. Anyhow we got up their before daylight probably to meet them at 7. We met them at Mcdonalds off 40 an they took off. My youngest boy was starving so he wanted to eat before we left. This old boy walked up an set down beside him an started talking. He told us he had walked their earlier n he was looking for a ride home. I said man I dont know you so I think we will pass. The guy stuck out his hand for me to shake an said. Im Bobby Tuttle I fell in a mud puttle. He said I need to use the bthroom an Ill be right back. I told my son to swallow the sandwich an lets get the **** out of here. That tickled him o death an he tod every body he met that day about that. I always thought that he had maybe got away from broughton.

DLD

Posted 5:54 pm, 11/09/2023

This guy boards an airplane an took his seat an looked up an saw the prettiest woman coming down th aisle. Well sha took the seat beside him. They exchanged plesantries an then struct up a conversation. It turned into her telling him of all the experiences she had with differant men. First of all she said it was a myth that Blacks was the most endowed in the world, that it actually was the American Indian.Chendo will like this part that the Mexicans were the best lovers. The guy ask her what about me. She said I will not tell you because I dont know your name. What is your name. he said Tonto Gonzales.

bif14

Posted 4:22 pm, 11/09/2023

Piglet asked Tigger what was he doing in the bathroom? Tigger replied "looking for Poo".

DLD

Posted 3:56 pm, 11/09/2023

This guy was a work an go a terrible crick in his neck an took off to go to the doctor. He came back to work complianing that the dr charged him 200.00 and didnt do him a bit of good.

Someone at work told him about a japanese witch dr up the street that he needed to go see. The guy got off work an went to this guy. The witch doctor gave him a jar to take home an pee in it an bring it back n he could taste it an cure his neck problem. The guy didnt believe him an decided to whip that thing off in the pee an fix that doctor good. He carried that mixture back to the doctor an the dude took a sip of it. Here was his analysis. He told the guy that his wife was running around on him, his sixteen yr old daughter was pregnant an if he didnt quit whipping that thing his neck was never going to get any better.

DB Cooper

Posted 3:34 pm, 11/09/2023

Hahahahahaha... keep 'um coming!

DLD

Posted 2:42 pm, 11/09/2023

THis is a true story but kinda funny. Years ago when DR Grabow was in Sparta, every day the guys would gather around the smoke area on break an their was one guy who would always say it coulda been worse. Well I dont know if any of you remember but a guy walked in onn his daddy in bed with his wife an killed them then took his own life. The next morning these guys were ttalking about this event an the ole boy said it coulda been worse. Those guys said now just how in **** could that have been any worse? The guy said if he had walked in the night before it coulda been me.

knslyr

Posted 7:01 am, 11/09/2023

barack, pedo pete and donny are in a spelling bee, who wins? barack, he's the only one that spells "harass" as one word!

Bestill

Posted 3:58 am, 11/09/2023

antithesis (view profile)
Posted 4:22 pm, 10/12/2021
Here's one that I hope my friend (self appointed nemesis?) Bestill appreciates

Back at ya!

What do you call a pretentious fish?

Superficial!

Bestill

Posted 3:52 am, 11/09/2023

Did you hear about the crosseyed teacher that got fired? He could not control his pupils!

DLD

Posted 8:59 pm, 11/08/2023

An 80 year old man was driving in Florida an rear ended this guys driving an Audi. The guy jumps out of his car an demands 10,000 dollars on the spot. The old man said let me call my son hes a dolphins trainer an he can help me. the old man gets his son on the phone an the irate guy grabs the phone from him an starts hollering at the son. The son says hold on a minute Im oming. Ten minutes later he rolls up in his jeep an proceeds to whip the guys ***. He then says to dad. Dad for the last time Im a seals trainer NAVY SEALS.

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